Notes from San Francisco 2009

Silly Haikus:

Lets try winter basketball
The summer sun chars my skin and burns me and stuff
Hold on. We should play dodgeball

Gin and tonic please.
We are all out of tonic.
Well that really blows.

Klaatu Barata-
That sentence is trademarked! It's
cool. I bought the rights.

I'm doing my work
please turn off that T.V. set.
No mom. Go to hell.

Farmer in the dell.
If he knows what's good for him
He'll get the fuck out.

Four score and twenty
Which is really just five score
Five score years ago...

Hey mom check this out
I challenge you to readthis
and not laugh, jackass.

Television ads
take up too much time for me
to enjoy Frasier.

I bought it at Ross.
Why would you do that? We are
supposed to be friends.

Granny wants you dead.
She can afford good lawyers.
Here, hide in this box.

I could drink at air
ports, but where is the fun? Who
will I vomit on?

For whom the bell tolls?
It probably tolls for some
asshole wearing jeans.

I heard you found Christ.
He was at Ralphs, buying cans
of Spaghetti-ohs.

Whoa whoa hold on there!
You can't come in here unless
you're wearing a tie.

So you're telling me
I can get this much ice cream
for just a dollar?

Five syllable line
A seven syllable line
Same as the first line

Short sleeves are bad for
cold weather climates such as
Scandinavia.

Western Sahara
is not a country. Who gave
it a fucking flag?

Solomon Grundy
was born on Monday June sixth
to loving parents.

Fiscal year reports
don't hold my attention when
I'm trying to poop.

Where the hell are you?
Jesus Christ John step on it.
I don't have all night.

More torque less filling.
I don't care how tasty your
fucking pickup is.

Fear me if you must
just leave me alone when I'm
eating a bagel.

Whatcha talkin bout?
There was no sex in Star Wars.
Bitches be frigid.

I wish I was tall.
I can't see past this fat guy.
Why all the cat ears?

Fifteen dollars please.
Here's a twenty. Do you have
a ten and a five?

This is short notice
but mike is taking me for lunch.
Who the fuck is mike?

Half-off cover price!
All books half off cover price!
All trade paperbacks!

_______________________________________________

Times I had to alter course due to sleazy cunts photographing Slave Leia in a crowded intersection: 5.

(X/Y) = 1.
X - Number of steampunks seen
Y - Number of steampunks I wanted to hit.

Best new band name - Hitler's Starfish